Underworld (2003)

Lee Wiseman

USA / Germany / Hungary / UK

121 min, color, English

I am breaking my newly instituted rule that prohibits me from reviewing mainstream recently-released films. (The reason for the rule is obscure but has to do with the amount of films I tend to see and the inversely proportional amount of time I have to write reviews.) I am breaking it to review a total loser of a film just because I am so pissed off at Wiseman's freshman effort that I have to see it in print.

I was lured by Kate Beckinsale. Obviously not personally lured but simply misled by the trailer that showed her in a tight leather suit shooting up the screen. I pre-ordered the tickets immediately. When I finally go to see the movie, I am prepared to see a mildly stupid plot line backed by extremely good visuals. When I was more optimistic, I dreamed that it may actually offer something on par with the gorgeous Dark City. And in my most deluded state, I hoped for something that Neil Gaiman might have written.

What a terrible disappointment. You know the film is bad when I keep stealing glances at my watch even though the plot concerns vampires and werewolves. I was riveted by my glow-in-the-dark Timex after about the 20th minute of the feature. The film that far included Kate shooting, atmospheric shots of an underground, a bunch of people shooting at others (we have no idea who's who but vaguely root for Kate and her associates), and some dialogue. I was already startled by the appearance of Scott Speedman, whose performance in the TV series Felicity I detested, and prepared myself for an endurance test. This Brit gives bad acting a bad name. He also played a human whereas he could have been profitably employed to star as a door ornament, where he would have been quite convincing.

Plot outline (which includes more than the screenplay): Selene (Kate) is a vampire who kills werewolves. The werewolves are bad mothers led by a bad fuckface sporting the decidedly Ann Ricean name of Lucian. The vampires, except for Kate, are decadent, as required by the canons of every cheap "romance" of the sort. Their decadence involves using stupid names like Kraven and Viktor, wearing clothes somewhat reminiscent of tatters procured by a bankrupt theater troupe for an 18th century play, being incredibly incompetent, and sometimes lying in coffins. As usual, they form the aristocracy of the underworld.

The werewolves, or, as they are pretentiously called in the film, Lycans, are the blue-collar expendable rabble that is inconveniencing the aristocrats by rebelling and demanding bread, or failing that, cake. Failing even cake, they may settle for humans. Their leader is no Mao and the revolution has not progressed very well. In fact, the vampires have almost succeeded in wiping them out. Lucian has been destroyed, or so vampires think, misled by Kraven, who is in cahoots with Lucian, although how exactly their plan is going to work is not clear to anyone.

Lucian, as any revolutionary worth his salt, plans to double-cross his vampiric partner by crossing werewolf blood with special human DNA that comes from a guy named Corvin (Scott Speedman). The scientific background to this experiment eluded me but it is supposed to produce a super were-vamp human who would kick everyone's ass, his own included. Lucian has employed the services of Dr. Mengele's son, who seems about as convincing as a mad doctor as a plumber with a scalpel. While the werewolves incompetently hunt for Corvin, Kate saves him by mistake, totally ruining the chances of the film to be anything but a third-rate vehicle for Scott Speedman's obtuse acting.

She also falls in love with him for some inexplicable reason which apparently involves putting him in handcuffs and instructing him to kill himself as soon as possible. Her falling in love with the human dude does not go well with Kraven who has fallen in love with Kate himself. But Erika (Sophia Myles) who has fallen in love with Kraven, who is about to fall into the trap set by Lucian, helps Kate, who has fallen afoul of the vampire rules, escape so she can guard Corvin who by this time has fallen in the hands of Lucian, who has fallen under the spell of his own revenge, which is a dish best served cold.

When all is said and done, it turns out that the film is a melodrama, which satirizes the racial stereotyping among the creatures of the night. Thinly veiled political correctness permeates the plot and when finally the mongrel Corvin fails to kill Viktor despite his supposedly superior skills, Kate slices off the latter's head, thereby ensuring that the fight for equal rights would triumph and the vampiric version of the Ku Klux Klan will come to the bitter end it deserves.

Utterly pathetic excuse for a film, Underworld does not even have well-staged fighting sequences. The props are tiresome and unconvincing, and the whole setup quickly becomes unnerving because it's all filmed in the dark (or else the vampires would go 'Puff!' in the sun). Actually, this particular bit was puzzling because at one point the werewolves are claimed to have been the vampires' daylight guardians (presumably in their non-lycanthropic form, of course, because the werewolves are not known to run around in the sun either). This, obviously, leads to the question why Lucian does not simply walk into the vampires' lair during the day and kill everyone there.

The acting was absolutely horrifying, especially when it came to Speedman and Brolly (the guy who plays Kraven). Even Kate, who is not exactly the astral thespian, was terrible, leather body suit notwithstanding. There may have been music in the movie, but it must have been entirely forgettable because I have entirely forgotten it. I will only buy this abomination on DVD if they cut everything the sequences with Kate in leather. This will make the film bearable at about 20 minutes total.

October 13, 2003