Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002)

George Lucas

USA

143 min, color, English

The Force is below average with this one. Instead of a coherent review for an incoherent film, I will just summarize some of my main thoughts after the second viewing.

I cannot believe all the people that found Ewan McGregor's acting good. It is not. It is not even marginally so. If you took a wooden log and replaced Obi-Wan with it, you'd be mesmerized by the resulting performance compared to the oily and unnerving delivery by McGregor.

From the promo posters, I had prepared for the worst: Hayden Christensen as Anakin. He looked cheesy with those rosy cheeks. Imagine now my surprise when I found out that Christensen is the best thing to happen to Episode II. His Anakin, barely restrained, unpredictable, and arrogant is just what I pictured young Annie to be. Forget all the dummies that call him a spoiled brat or something. This judgment comes from a culture that has in the past decade elevated mediocrity to a standard and has tried to dispense with any display of elitism lest the ones less gifted be offended by their ineptitude. I am truly sorry about the average Joe Shmoe, but Anakin is what a gifted youngster would be like. Impetuous, prooud, barely fitting in the straight-jacket of imposed Jedi norms, and very, very good. Christensen managed to convey exactly that, especially in the half-smiling expressions that betray his conviction of superiority. This is a guy who can be tempted by the Dark Side. I'd be too. Watching Darth Vader now is a fuller experience.

Unfortunately, the temperature between Christensen and Natalie Portman is near the absolute zero most of the time and barely registers at thundric levels in the most "heated" moments. Also, what's with all that "doomed from the start" crap? I mean, WE know what's going to happen to Anakin and Amidala, but THEY surely don't. So, while the Senator-Jedi thing may not be happening easily, it's not the stuff of tragedies either. If you think for a second without reference to the original episodes, you'd see that the "star-crossed lovers" bit does not work at all! Portman is stiff and unbelievable. She also rollicks in the grass a little bit too much for a senator.

George Lucas, who could never direct to save his life, delivers another smorgasbond of badly executed CGI. Yes, I do mean badly done. The Lucasfilm Empire having staked its existence on things digital has (again) gone all the way with predictably disastrous results. From the opening sequence where a chase stolen from The Fifth Element unfolds amid a landscape stolen from Blade Runner, we are treated to a never ending barage of bad green-screen montage. The defects are particularly glaring when characters have to interact with CGI generated props. The result is as believable as Mickey Mouse being a real mouse. Specifically, one look at the (in more ways than one) incredibly bad scene with Anakin riding some armadillo-looking monster or a look at the sequence where Amidala rides another strange creature in the gladiator arena should be enough to convince anyone that digital is not the way to go, at least not yet. Lucas would have done himself a great service by hiring, say Yuen Woo-ping, to do the sequences with wires. Even American audiences should not be this forgiving after tasting the real thing in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or The Matrix. (NOTE: same complaint goes to Sam Raimi and the inept Spider-Man rooftop sequence.)

Another problem is that Lucas apparently believes that directing means lining up the characters and then panning/cutting from one to next as they deliver their dull lines with as little emotion as possible.

This brings me to the script, or rather, than monstrosity that passes for one. This time, Lucas has collaborated with, gasp, Jonathan Hales, that scion of bad writing who was responsible for the outrage that was The Scoprion King. What, the *&@#*&@#, was Lucas thinking? Himself a rather lame author, Lucas has picked Hales, who cannot tell a good line even if it came and beat him over the head with the collected works of James Joyce. That's why we end up with crap like "I truly... deeply... love you" or "I love you so much, it hurts." Yes, I know the second one was from Pearl Harbor but the Anakin-Amidala dialogue ranks there as well. Ah, what the hell, here's one from Episode II: (Anakin to Amidala) "I don't like sand, it's coarse and rough and irritating, and gets all over the place... not like you; you're soft and smooth" (and presumably she does not get all over the place).

The other notable flaw is that the script was too concerned to move the story along to that place where the original trilogy will take off from. Thus, it was busy introducing characters, marking territory, and sneaking in unnecessary detail. Like anyone would really care! I can't wait to see how Lucas will pull it off in Episode 3, after all, this one had a nearly happy ending for Anakin and Amidala. So what is going to bring him over the brink, leaving her good and alone?

The thing that pissed me off in The Phantom Menace is still here: the Jedi are too good, too invincible, and therefore destroy what little tension and drama there could have been. I know that they are supposed to be great, but if they can leap from a 100-story building without dying, then, hell, I'd rather watch a cartoon. Luke and Vader were good because they were recognizably human despite their command of the Force.

Yoda's lightsabre duel looked pathetic. Give me a break! Who can take this shit seriously? Or was it there just for laughs that I somehow missed? Christopher Lee was incredibly good as the villain with stupid name (Count Dooku or Darth Tyranus, you pick which). Ian McDiarmid was also superb as the duplicitous Palpatine.

Other pet peeves. What's up with R2-D2 and flying? What's up with C3-PO's unbelievably atrocious puns ("this is such a drag")? What's up with the interfacing his head with the body of the soldier robot and vice versa? Are they using the same connections as, say, a Macintosh and those alien ships from ID4? Do we really care about the origins of Bobba Fett, the ultra-cool bounty-hunter whose main distinction was the pitiful shriek before getting devoured in Episode VI? What's with the two-bit patriotism? "Democracy will stop working if we ever stop believing in it"? Who came up with this idiocy? Or the lame "it sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship to me" line by the senator? I know that no one expects a senator to be able tp tie her own shoelaces, but this mockery is profoundly disgusting since we know that the Jedi mind tricks don't work on Amidala (or do they?) and so she should be at least a little smarter than the average shmuck cranking out stories for The Scoprion King.

Better than the first, but then again, what would not be?

Things I liked. The hint of Darth Vader's theme when Anakin showed some tendencies that would make him the masked villain. Much less jar-jarring that its predecessor! (And mesa also thinks it mui mui cool that Jar Jar was the one to fuck up Amidala's vote.) Christopher Lee: this guy proves that acting talent can hide even the clunkiest lines!

October 28, 2002