Jurassic Park III (2001)

Joe Johnston

USA

95 mins, color, English (and some Raptorian)

Although not the weakest of the three (the second one is), JURASSIC PARK III is still a disappointment. The novelty of the idea has worn off, the special effects have been bested, and so the only device that could possible carry the film is a good story. Where the second entry opted for more gallons of the red liquid and generally banked on fake gore, this one attempts to be nicer and has an estranged couple risking it all to rescue their son, who has been lost in the RESTRICTED (big red letters) area 204 miles to the West of Costa Rica. I almost cared.

The story isn't good but it could have been. There is a precise inverse relationship between the number of Hollywood scriptwriters and the quality of the finished product. It's as if every single one of them was thinking, "I'll write a scene where a dinosaur is trying to eat our guys, and let the others handle the dramatic stuff." Then they hired the pizza boy to fill in the gaps between chases with the cheesy paeans to fishing. The result is a predictable failure.

The estranged couple, Paul (William H. Macy) and Amanda (Téa Leoni) Kirby trick Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) into going with them to Isla Sorna to rescue their son Eric (Trevor Morgan), who has gone missing eight weeks prior. They hire some inept muscle, presumably to help with the dinosaurs. Within the first half hour of their landing, half of the rescue team is dead, reflecting accurately the life expectancy of humans in a Jurassic world. This time, however, the nemesis isn't some paltry T. Rex, but a badass spinosaurus, who munches on T. Rex for breakfast. The only problem is that such a big theropod couldn't run faster than about 20 km/h, and so an average human could probably outrun it with a good sprint, taking out the fun from the chase. Also, unlike the intelligent raptors, who wanted their eggs back, this guy was inexplicably peeved at the humans and repeatedly hunted them even when there were larger, and probably more satisfying, piles of meat around, and even after he swallowed their cell phone.

If you think this sounds plausible, see what the film-makers made out the pteranodon to be. In reality, this reptile was a carnivore that ate fish, mollusks, and scavenged dead animals on land. Its name means "wing without tooth" and so it was hardly the formidable hunter from JP3. Only the velociraptors were as dangerous as depicted. Still, the action was not tense, even with all those dangers lurking about. Why?

The actors. My first impulse was not to scream, or even cringe, but to slap Leoni senseless for her hysterical and completely unwarranted panicking. The second was to slap her some more, but this time just for fun. Surprisingly, Macy, who would usually be the prime target for derisive laughter, handled his role very well, remaining as unheroic as possible until the very last. Sam Neill was utterly unlikeable, mainly because his character was a humorless, egotistic, self-absorbed, and unimaginative coward. This was a strange departure from the original Dr. Grant, who was much more resourceful in the first part.

The story. Predictable, boring, bland. Multiply this times ten. Then add the problem with the actors and the general lack of likability for the four people that died really fast really early on. You get nonstop action involving some implausible dinosaurs and reptiles trying to eat our heroes (why?), whom we care nothing about. Add a throwaway dialogue, and you get JURASSIC PARK III, the sequel that should have not been made. There is also a pathetic attempt at being funny, when the little boy, who we all hope won't make it to his mother with the phone, stops to catch a glimpse of Barney, the purple dinosaur, when Dr. Grant is on the other end preparing to impersonate mashed potatoes for Barney's distant relative. To cap it off, Ellie (Laura Dern) manages to get the marines, the navy, a carrier, and several destroyers out to Isla Sorna minutes after almost receiving a phone call from Dr. Grant. That's after we have been repeatedly told that "The US Embassy won't do anything to help." They also rescue Dr. Grant's hapless assistant, Billy (Alessandro Nivola), even before they land! A true deus ex machina if it weren't so laughable (the trick didn't work in Greek tragedies either).

August 15, 2001.