John Carpenter's Vampires (1998)
John Carpenter
Rambo Meets Things-to-Kill-with-Long-Fangs
In view of the sleuth of negative reviews, I just had to (a) see the movie, and (b) write a positive review. No, really -- the trailer was very promising and Carpenter surely needs no special recommendation. Anyway, the movie is pretty good and definitely worth a look. Not earth-shattering, even though the cinematography is down right impressive.
Let me emphatically state that this is NOT truly a vampire film. It's an action flick that happens to have some vampires who are presumed bad (they never really do anything evil without provocation) until proven rigor mortis. Oh, and they explode spectacularly -- arms first, then kaboom, the dummies blow up like they pee nitro glycerine. Great stuff, especially in Dolby 5.1.
The plot -- a thin wrapper for the action -- is surely the masterpiece of an angry pubescent scriptwriter. It doesn't even have any memorable oneliners (the hallmark of truly good bad movies) but it is an excuse for a barrage of words that would baffle a drunken sailor. Before the language fairies jump on the soapbox, let me preempt this particular criticism. The foul expressions are actually quite amusing. One should expect nothing less from a group of fearless vampire slayers -- not exactly the pinnacle of intelligence, you know. They are rough, don't have golden hearts, and quite likeable.
The story goes like this. The Catholic Church screwed up about 600 years ago when it turned a Czech ex-priest into the first vampire during a bungled exorcism ritual. Now he's after the cross they used so that he can complete the ritual and become the first vampire that can go to Florida Beach and not turn into overcooked popcorn. He's been looking for the cross until the present day, his poor luck apparently due to the need to work in the dark. Meanwhile, Woods is busy slaying vampires who live in unkempt shantyhouses in the desert. Anyway, the original vampire puts the bite on a whore in a very non-traditional place, slaughters the entire gang of bad actors, and leaves Woods, the Baldwin brother, and the whore to figure out who has leaked the info to the undead. By the way, the motel killing spree is not bad -- gore, tits, blood, and humor -- the winning combination. Anyway, the three musketeers finally catch up with the bloodsucker and it turns out it's a trap. The vampire has used the girl as a bait to lure Woods and force him to play the sacrificial (and foul-mouthed) virgin in the ritual. Some more great dialogue later, and a bit of blood-spraying, it's all over. Oh, yes, Baldwin has been bit, and his new girlfriend is a bona fide vamp, but Woods lets them go, hoping that they'll retire peacefully ``across the border.'' End, roll the credits, please.
Obviously, the script is a bit on the shallow side, quite predictable, with a lonely single plot twist at the very end. The movie, however, delivers a punch of pure fucking armageddon. The action sequences are great, the money that went into this production was put to good use here. The music (Carpenter again) is his bluesy trademark and fits the mood pretty well. One will do good to watch the flick as the action movie that it is -- compare it with ``Escape from LA,'' not with ``Dracula.'' There is none of the traditional vampiric erotica, no bodily transformations into select nocturnal flying objects, no fear of crosses, garlic, holy water, or any of the other means of dispatching the undead to hell according to the operating manuals. There is some (not much) gore and a lot of shooting, stabbing, burning, and well-kept fangs.
Overall, a pretty good but mindless flick, which is entertaining to watch but boring to think about. The only thing that bothers me is how the vampires manage to smooth over the dirt on top of the shallow graves they burrow into. Puzzling. 7 out of 10.
December 5, 1999. BLS