Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

Lee Demarbre

Canada

85 min, color, English

The Power of Christ Impales You!

I saw this at last year's Slamdance Film Festival in Salt Lake, with the director and some people from the cast, visibly excited and not slightly drunk, answering questions from the audience. I don't remember any questions but I do remember tons of fun both before and after the film. How did yours truly end up at such a screening? Would you miss a film with this title? Enuff said.

Plot. What's that? The story appears to involve Jesus Christ, the Son of God, God Himself, the One Who Was Crucified, the Dude on the Cross, etc., and a bunch of lesbian vampires. There's also a lot of atheists who drive around in a Jeep and gets their stupid atheist asses kicked by holy kung fu. There's also Santos, the Mexican wrestler and his assistant Gloria, who gets her ass squeezed a lot by everyone, including the Guy Who Was Hot on Mary Magdalene. There's also several priests, the reincarnation of Rasputin, and a lot of musical numbers that include the Robed One Who Turns the Other Cheek (hint, hint).

I think that the lesbian vampires are trying to walk in daylight, for which they need grafts of lesbian skin. Memorable quote: We're running low on skin. I suggest we harvest another lesbian. The evil doctor Praetorius, pioneer of the revolutionary Skin Graft for the Undead technique, has them "harvest" a bunch of lesbians. Unfortunately, they are all unattractive. Anyhow, the priests call The Middle of the Holy Trio to help, which he does because he is JESUS CHRIST after all, and he's here to help.

Or kick ass. Actually, he's here to help by kicking ass. Lots of it unless he's squeezing it. Christ has powerful kung fu, which he first applies to a bunch of unbelievers. The Divine Pain in the Ass (pun intended) then gets his own ass bitch-slapped by the head lesbian vampire Maxine who seems to have taken a general dislike toward Christianity. The One Who Would Not Stay Dead then calls Santos for help and a lot of butt-squeezing ensues. Somewhere between the squeezes Santos and the Healer of Leppers, Vampires, and Normal People visit a night club where, in the good tradition of From Dusk Till Dawn, everyone is a vampire.

Santos and the other Mexican, I mean... what do you call the dude from heaven?, then proceed to dispatch a lot of vampires with uncommon alacrity and gusto using every piece of wood they can lay their hands on. But then Santos is overcome by Maxine's magic powder and the Immortal One Who Actually Died surrenders his holy self to the vampires. This leads to the final confrontation when the vampires, who have never even read the New Testament, decide to rid the world of the Neverdying Guy, apparently unaware that a similar ploy ended badly the first time around. Being more imaginative than the Romans, they try dismemberment. To The Nearly Dismembered Although This Would Not Have Killed Him Anyway's luck, Santos breaks free and begins kicking ass. Everyone who is a vampire dies unless she is "cured" first, in which case they can be normal lesbians or, if cured even further, switch to dating real guys like Santos.

Hampered by a clunky pace and atrocious acting, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is sure to clear the room at any party unless everyone present has been indoctrinated properly by repeat viewings of MST3K. Keep girlfriends away from this one unless you are trying to break up, in which case a single run of the flick should suffice.

There is now a Special Edition DVD of this! Does the insanity ever stop?

Did I mention it's a musical too? High art.

March 1, 2003