The Heroic Ones (1970)

Chang Cheh

Hong Kong

121 min, color, Mandarin (English subtitles)

Review © 2003 Branislav L. Slantchev

"This is the silliest stuff that ever I heard." Hippolyta, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act 5, Scene 1.

For all the hype heaped on this film (e.g. Bey Logan thinks it's among the most important films of the early 1970s because it supposedly initiated the transition between swordplay and martial arts films), The Heroic Ones is a terrible disappointment. Marred by stodgy plotting, uninspired fight choreography, hamming actors, and bombastic score, the film plods along about as nimbly as a pregnant hypo.

Raped by a wine cooler	I'll say it yet again: Ti Lung is cool

And it had such potential too. The first (very long and excruciatingly uninteresting) half of the film deals with the fall of the Tang dynasty. Actually, it deals with the Mongol warlord Li Ke Yung (Ku Feng in the only believably dramatic role) and his 13 General/Sons who is summoned by the emperor to restore the dynasty to the throne in the capital city of Chang'an.

Ku Feng and a bunch of ugly Mongols	David Chiang battles a naked guy

You think this is cool? It is not. The first half of the half is spent in an over-acted drinking spree that purports to show how brazenly unrestrained the warriors can be. We all know that the warriors are usually a rough bunch, but these guys redefine the word "heroic" to make it synonymous with "silly." There's lots of shouting, drinking, and even some nascent rape but nary a heroic deed in sight. When the imperial official Chu Wen (Chen Hsing) quite sensibly objects to the wastage, the youngest son Li Tsun Hsiao (David Chiang) quickly kills off some bad dude to demonstrate that the Mongols actually means business.

Laughing it up after a dumb Mongol joke	Gratuitous shot of Lily Li

Then there's a hare-brained scheme to infiltrate Chang'an dressed as traveling cooks, which almost backfires when two of the brothers forget where the condiments are. The first stirrings of the second half of the film appear here. There's some sibling rivalry between Li Tsun Hsiao (#13) and brothers numero 4 and 12 played by Wang Chung and James Nam. They dislike bro-13 because the latter is not only daddy's favorite but also has a cool anti-gravity fleece (how else would one explain the leaps from castle walls?). The two proceed to fuck up the plot that one of them had hatched in the first place and the end result is that the warlord they were supposed to assassinate only gets a bad hat-cut.

13 horny Generals? Sure you can stay here!	Burning passion

Chang Cheh should have jumped straight to the second part of the plot that attempts to trace the development of the rivalry between the brothers that finally leads to an apocalyptic bloodbath that leaves only five of them alive. Even this part is not convincing. First, Li Ke Yung and other cool son Shih Ching Szu (Ti Lung) get themselves drunk at a party organized by the treacherous Chu Wen, who then proceeds to commit... well, treachery. Shih dies a truly Shakespearean death (i.e. it takes him over 10 minutes to croak despite being mortally wounded, during which time he battles a brigade of agile sword/spear-wielding soldiers, while stuffing his intestines back into his cut stomach all the time).

Wholesome threesome	Bring on the dancing girls

As a result of being misled by his two moronic sons, Li Ke Yung scolds them and gets drunk. For some reason, he neglects to behead them. This comes back to haunt him when they steal his sword and use it to convince Li Tsun Hsiao to allow himself to be tied to five horses. There must be something about Mongol discipline that utterly escapes me. I don't care how many swords you show me but I refuse to be tied to five horses. Nothing good ever comes out of being tied to give horses. It sure does not come out here: the poor guy gets quintisectioned, although the main part of his body remains attractively wrapped in a suspiciously bulky poncho. Naturally, there's the requisite blood from the mouth which in all these film signifies death beyond doubt.

David Chiang... the Fleece Master	and then you get killed while I escape

This finally pisses off the dad, who orders the two bastards captured and killed, not necessarily in that order. They get both captured and killed but not before treacherously killing several other brothers. When all is said and done, only five brothers ride up the hill where all thirteen rode up at the beginning of the film where many others rode up in several other of Chang Cheh's films, like The Anonymous Heroes and The Blood Brothers.

Worthy of Shakespeare	Would you trust these two?

There were also extraneous attempts at romance, quickly abandoned, between David Chiang and Lily Li. Chang Cheh, the eternal misogynist just has no idea what to do with women in his films except for casting them as treacherous villains or useless butterflies.

Bloody quntisectioning	Chin Han and Ku Feng

Rudimentary fight scenes, with annoying slow motion that Chang Cheh's pupil John Woo would turn into an art form do not make for great entertainment. The curious mix between semi-realistic battles (lots of blood squirting everywhere ---- that's the realistic part --- and one guy fighting an army --- that's the "semi" part) and definitely unrealistic gravity-defying leaping, stabbing, slashing, and drinking was another turn off. Either go all the way to the magic bolts of lighting or keep it at least somewhat believable! As I mentioned before, the acting was atrocious, with David Chiang delivering his usual annoyingly bland performance. Ti Lung was a wasted asset since he got stuck playing second fiddle to Chiang and then dying.

Worthy of King Lear	The apocalyptic sibling massacre

As one of the earlier Celestial Pictures DVD, this one has a non-anamorphic transfer at 2.35:1, which is too bright and has unnatural colors. There are several minor glitches with occasional momentary freezes. The film has been restored well and is almost entirely scratch-free. The Dolby Digital remix of the Mandarin soundtrack was fine. The English subtitles were not. With numerous spelling errors, dumb translations, and poor timing, the subtitles are (for now) the worst in the series. Extras include the usual picture gallery, poster, trailer, talent files (Ti Lung, David Chiang, Chang Cheh), brief production notes, and interviews with David Chiang, Lily Li, Daniel Wu, Paul Fonorof, and Bey Logan. The first two are in Chinese and are not subtitled. The last two are pathetically brief and give no useful insights. There's also a commentary track by Logan that I did not bother listening to. I don't think I can stand watching this two-hour monstrosity again any time soon.

Death by a stabbed guy	Wang Chung finds it difficult to walk impaled

July 11, 2003