Heaven Sword and Dragon Sabre
(Yi tian tu long ji, 1978)

Chu Yuan

Hong Kong

101 min, color, Mandarin (English subtitles)

Review © 2005 Branislav L. Slantchev

Here's a film that will seriously tax your short-term memory. Within minutes of the opening credits, my brain started giving me to busy tone on account of being unable to process any more characters with uncertain relations to each other. Not only are we introduced to scrupulously named people, places, and objects, but more people and places keep piling up in such rapid succession that one might think that the director was participating in some affirmative action program for underutilized actors.

Lo Lieh auditions for Godzilla	What is your opinion about women's lib?

The excuse (I guess) is that this film, as many other Chu Yuan outings, is based on a novel that is probably at least 2,000 pages, not including the commentaries, Cliff's Notes, and the glossary. At least this time around the director has crammed the entire material in two films, for a total running time of about 200 minutes of viewing mayhem. Unfortunately, the characters only begin to die out in the sequel, where they perish in rapid succession that pissed me off because I had spent so much time trying to remember their names, affiliations, and blood lines. The big plus, however, is that many of these numerous characters are women. This being Chu Yuan, he's made sure to pick beautiful leading ladies, at least the young ones.

Gratuitous shot of Cheng Lai Fong	Plenty of damsels in distress

This means a lot of soft focus in this film because I don't think Chu Yuan has ever been able to bring himself to film a pretty girl in any other way. But you're not going to hear me complain. I mean, we get Yu An-An who can stop a man dead in his tracks even if he is chased by a squad of crazed Mongols; there's also my long-time favorite Liu Hui-Ling who gets a very small role but which is totally worth it; there's the rarely seen Cheng Lai Fong who makes every scene look like an occasion for romantic love; there's the even more obscure Chan Ga Yee, who nevertheless provides a nice contrast to all the other ladies lusting after Derek Yee; there's the somewhat young Candy Wen who is a bit too pouty for my tastes; there's the relatively unknown Cheung Wai Yee who is also unfortunately killed off at the very beginning; and then there's the perennially classy Pan Ping-Chan in several brief, but satisfying, appearances. Last, but not least, there's Chu Yuan regular Ching Li. Wheh! What a cast! (Oh, yeah, there are some men in this film too, but who cares?)

The beautiful Liu Hui-Ling	Ng Man Tat and Cheung Wai Yee

I will now undertake the perilous attempt to summarize the story, if nothing else than for my own edification. (Also, I don't want all my scrupulous notes to go to waste.) I have not read the original novel on which this is based, and the following is going to be a "by the seat of my pants" type of synopsis because applying logic to it is hazardous to one's mental health. I very much doubt that learning something about the plot will spoil anyone's viewing experience. In fact, it will quite possibly enrich it, for it will free the viewer to concentrate on just having fun with what's happening at the moment without bothering to try and fit it into the story line. For what it's worth, you have been warned. Spoilers to follow (assuming I did not completely misunderstand the plot).

Gratuitous shot of Yu An-An	Doctor, heal thyself

China is under Mongol rule of the Yuan dynasty. Although this explains the fashion statement of numerous thugs sporting goofy hats, it actually serves to confuse things more than to elucidate them, except if one assumes that the ethnic Han Chinese have worked themselves into a mass movement to protect the minks from becoming hat ornaments. Still, insofar as there is some patriotic stuff underneath all the clan rivalries and one of the main protagonists is a Yuan princess, I would be remiss not to at least give this fact a passing nod. As usual for conquered civilized peoples, their disunity must have been the proximate cause of their subjugation by barbarian invaders, which the Mongols undoubtedly were. This internecine strife is the chief force driving the plot, although there is some doze of love/jealousy sprinkled here and there that does not become a major problem until the sequel regardless of the wistful lyrics of the title song.

The pretty Pan Ping-Chan	Candy Wen and Ha Ping as the hag with impressive skills

The title, by the way, should have been something more like "Heaven Sword and Dragon Cleaver," for the latter certainly looks nothing like a sabre to me. Regardless of the proper appellation, ostensibly the plot involves these two implements (fused with the best quartz or whatever) that contain some hidden technique that would enable the one in possession to rule the martial arts world. Although the sword has long been in possession of the Er Mei Clan, presided over by the self-righteous Abbess Mie (Wang Lai), the whereabouts of the dragon sabre are presently unknown. That is, it is known that one Tse Shun (Lo Lieh) has it, but nobody knows where the guy is. Except his grandson Chang Wu Ji (Derek Yee). But nobody knows where Wu Ji is either on account on him being in an outpatient facility under the supervision of Doctor Wu (Ng Man Tat) who is trying to treat the Freezing Palm effects that afflict Wu Ji.

Sweating the red frog bouillon	Derek Yee not rescuing Candy Wen

At this point it may be useful to explain that Tse Shun is one bad mother, at least as far as most people are concerned. He used to be a member of the Ming Clan, which itself is an offshoot of some Persian outfit, which in turn explains why the xenophobic Chinese routinely refer to the Ming Clan as "evil." Well, that and the fact that Tse Shun killed a lot of people. But he had mitigating circumstances, being driven mad with the rape and murder of his wife by the evil (this time, for real) Shing Kwun (Tien Ching), currently disguised as Shaolin monk Yuen Jun, whose goal was to provoke Tse Shun into precisely what he ended up doing. It was during his killing spree that Tse Shun stumbled across the sabre, and it was presumably during an attempt to take it from him that his grandson, already orphaned at this point because his parents killed themselves, got hit with the Freezing Palm. It did not exactly freeze him, but it did leave an unattractive purple mark on his chest and caused him to wear bad makeup to made him look like a zombie before his morning coffee. At the time of the child's escape from the attackers, he was accompanied by a girl whose name was Chou Chi Yeuk, who will grow up as the pretty Yu An-An.

Stunning ladies overload	Er, dear, you're holding the secret scroll upside down

Fast forward a decade or so. Wu Ji is still smarting from the Freezing Palm and the doctor gives him at most two years to live. So he resolves to see his grandpa for the last time. Before he can do that, however, he runs into all the beautiful ladies we're gonna see (lucky bastard). First, he stumbles across Bu Huei (Cheng Lai Fong) whose mother, Shiau Fu (Liu Hui-Ling) has been severely injured by the annoying Er Mei clan because she eloped with Yang Siu (Wong Yung) from the Ming Clan rather than marry Yan Lei Hang from Wu Dang Clan. Not only did she screw over poor Lei Hang, but she disgraced Er Mei in the bargain because her dalliance with Yang Siu was contrary to the clan's code. Although it took Er Mei nearly two decades to track her down, they have done so and now want to kill her. Er Mei is supposed to be one of the good clans too. Although the doctor and his wife sacrifice themselves to protect her, Shiau Fu commits suicide and only Wu Ji's timely intervention saves her daughter when he lies that she is his wife and he is a member of Wu Dang. The first part of his lie does not go over well with Chi Yeuk who is now second-in-command at Er Mei.

Early applied phrenology experiment	If this were prison, these monks would have been Derek's bitches

Wu Ji helps Bu Huei find her father and takes his leave of her even though she is clearly already in love with him. Every woman this dying guy meets is going to fall for him, so one is led to suspect that his dying wish was not entirely chaste. He stumbles across another maiden in distress, Siu Chiu (Chan Ga Yee) who has been seriously wounded be her own clan, the Kwan Lun, and left to die in the forest. Fortunately, Wu Ji has a vial of the substance that heals cut wounds without stitches, so she recovers quickly. But Wu Ji was overheard by an Er Mei member (Pan Ping-Chan) and once his identity is revealed, he is danger as an associate of the evil Ming Clan. He is saved by an old hag Jin Hwa (Ha Ping) and her protege Chu Er (Candy Wen) only to result in Wu Ji crashing with their entire hovel from a cliff (don't ask, it's stupid). Since the crash is more like a graceful leap in which the house defies physics not unlike wuxia heroes, Wu Ji survives and finds a tunnel that leads him into the garden of Eden. Well, the Chinese version of it, with red frogs, rabbits, and a monkey.

Check out the goofy bat teeth on Norman Chu	Wang Lai waving shiny vaguely phallic sword

There, Wu Ji downs a red-frog bouillon that cures his mortal illness immediately, causing people to search and lick red frogs ever since. He also heals a monkey which leads him to a hollow in a tree trunk where secret scriptures are hidden. These are not for spiritual edification but rather contain the long-lost nearly invincible Shaolin technique whose name escapes me. Wu Ji lingers until he becomes proficient in it, and then emerges ready to tackle the world. At this point, things are almost clear: all the six clans have united against the evil Ming Clan but Wu Ji is really a member of the latter by the virtue of his ancestry, so he must inevitably intervene. While this will help him with Bu Huei (recall that she's the daughter of the Ming Clan's Yang) and with Siu Chiu who turns out to have been her maid, it really throws a monkey wrench into the inevitable affair with Chi Yeuk who is from the relentless Er Mei. To add to this problem, the mysterious Chiu Ming (Ching Li) also pops up, and she is ostensibly trying to thwart Wu Ji's attempts to reconcile the clans or even prevent the Ming Clan's destruction. Nobody quite knows what her motivation is---and in fact for some time they think that she is a he, which I always find amusing because making Ching Li don male clothes does in no way conceal her very feminine facial features---and it will be revealed in the sequel, although this is not going to make it any more intelligible.

Primitive sharpening method	Where do I sign up for this health care?

I glossed over most of the fights, the interminable dialogue, and the longing stares every young woman casts at Wu Ji. But I would be remiss not to at least mention the funny scene where Wu Ji finds himself trapped in a secret chamber with Chiu Ming. He is in a hurry because he has to get an antidote back to his poisoned followers (he's now the leader of the Ming Clan) and she has lured him into that underground room. He quickly immobilizes her using the pressure-point technique that the Chinese apparently borrowed from Xena during her travels to the far east thousands of years ago. He then proceeds to rip her clothes off methodically, warning her that he not only likes doing that, but that he also likes raping any woman he sees naked. (Before you get any ideas, Chiu Ming gives up long before losing enough clothes to make her shudder on a chilly winter night.) But that a scheming woman would collapse because of modesty (she certainly must know that Wu Ji would not rape anyone) is so far-fetched that the hilarious incongruence of it is only matched by the frequency with which it happens in these wuxia films.

Obligatory gratuitous shot of Ching Li	When I undress a woman, I like to rape her

Despite its major flaws which have to do with the overly complicated plot that is quite difficult to follow, and despite the unintentional goofiness that results from some of the fighting scenes (check out Wu Ji's Smoking Hair technique or the sparks flying when his palm collides with the Heaven Sword or his ability to parry pretty sharp blades with a puny stick or even Norman Chu's "bat" fangs that threaten to fall out of his mouth every time he speaks), this is still one entertaining film. It ends smack in the middle of the action, so nothing gets resolved before the sequel. But the fantastic settings, the infusion of relatively unknown talent, and the James Bond-style main theme really make for a fun experience. The Celestial DVD is excellent (almost no correction of screen caps). The video is presented in anamorphic widescreen at 2.35:1, as usual. The Mandarin soundtrack is remixed as Dolby Digital 5.1, and the English subtitles are passable (although I seem to recall a couple of places where some sentences were not translated). The extras are limited to trailers, gallery of photos, and talent files, but who cares about these anyway.

December 28, 2005