The Fifth Element (1997)

Luc Besson

France / USA

126 min, color, English

Well, it's Luc Besson, so we know it's going to be a wild ride, with crazy stunts, lots of explosions, cartoonish carnage, ridiculous sets, absurd situations, and one beautiful woman. It will also be so much fun, you'd forget the incoherent plot and the improbable costumes.

The Fifth Element delivers as promised. It's been a couple of centuries and New York is still ugly. At least it's not turned into a prison although it comes darn near close. Some unspeakable Evil (it prefers being spelled with a capital 'E') is set to return and eradicate at least one temple in Egypt and, if the temple happens not to have survived the vicissitudes of time, the rest of the planet. Heck, while it is at it, maybe Evil will wipe out humanity itself... and some non-humans along the way. The hitch (there's always a hitch for Evil) is that there are these ridiculous non-maneuverable goody two-shoes aliens who have designed a special weapon to ward off Evil, and it's not Luke Perry although he would probably work just as well. The weapon consists of four stones (earth, wind, fire, water) and the Fifth Element, the Divine Absolutely Perfect Supreme Being (DAPS) who is needed to activate the stones. You need a DAPS because without one you've only got four regular stones, which are hardly enough to stop Evil.

It is a bit of a let-down when DAPS turns out to be Milla Jovovich, who is cute and nimble enough but does not strike me as Supreme. She is at most an Excellent. This shortcoming she quickly demonstrates by getting herself killed by a bunch of goons in unnecessarily implausible costumes. She is then restored by the Magic DNA (tm) process which takes one cell from your body and then cooks up your entire self, memories, physique and all, in less than a minute. The DAPS, however, still spends most time getting beat up by various law enforcement and law breaking agencies.

She is rescued by the cab driver Korben Dallas (Bruce Willis) who is actually a retired Major in the Totally Special Unit of Supremely Trained Commandos Who Have Been Left By Their Wives. He is quickly recruited (in an absolutely hilarious scene) by the government and then enlists himself to help the DAPS get the stones from a Diva on a distant planet to which they will travel almost incognito as winners of a contest that was rigged by the military to send him on the mission to save the world from the approaching Evil against whom their nuclear weapons have proven futile even though they were warned not to try them by the Priest Cornelius (Ian Holm) who is part of the Order That Guards the Dinky Temple in the Egyptian desert and who is therefore privy to all the minute details of battling the recurrent Evil (why back every 300 years? vacation?), at least in theory, and who manages to tag along as a stowaway to the planet although it never becomes clear why it was necessary to do so since he plays not a damned role in the goings-on there.

While this is going on, Evil has recruited an evil (with a small 'e' since he's a minor compared to the truly Evil) industrialist (or at least, very rich, vain, and annoying) by the name of Zorg (Gary Oldman). It is not clear how Zorg is planning to spend the money from the deal after Evil destroys the world with everything in it. I mean, how would he get his credit card accepted? Would he have to carry cash? How much cash given that he extorted Evil for triple the original amount, which itself cannot have been negligible? But all these questions will forever remain unanswered because Zorg gets himself killed in a laughing contest.

At this point, the only remaining problem is Evil who is hurtling toward Earth breaking all speed limits in the process. Just as the DAPS is ready to do battle, she acquires a case of the twinges and becomes squeamish about this whole savior thing. She's been reading online too much CNN and has decided that humanity does not deserve to be saved because of WAR. It seems that the DAPS has indulged in some strenuous mental exercise to conclude that several billion people should be wiped out because several million tend to kill each other periodically. Fortunately, the ever-resourceful Dallas saves the day (literally) by arguing that "love is worth saving" and when he admits that he loves the DAPS, she blasts Evil out of its tiny satellite, ostensibly to save humanity, but in reality to hold Dallas to his word till death does them part, which, given that she is the DAPS, effectively means until he dies. Muhahahahaha.

Yep, it's as preposterous as it sounds, and just a tiny bit less ridiculous. But it is lots of fun. Even the abominable Chris Tucker, who has spoiled countless movies and is responsible for destroying all that was good and decent in me, plays his role well. And what a role it is. Very apt.

Much more than a regular run of the mill sci-fi flick and much less than a cerebral fantasy, The Fifth Element is a fanciful adventure that will have you hooked with a stunning look at a futuristic world (hey, these police contraptions sure looked useful, although a bit totalitarian), where Ian Holm is a funny priest, Bruce Willis is a funny cabbie, and Brion James is the funny General Munro. Don't ask, you'll have to see it.

Non-amusing trivia: this was the first DVD I ever purchased. The DVD is a disappointment: No extras whatsoever.

August 19, 2003