The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (2001)

Woody Allen

USA

115 mins, color, English

I have to admit to not being a great Woody Allen fan. In fact, one might say I have never particularly enjoyed the few of his films that I have seen. Although his writings are funny, the movies are much less so, maybe because he insists on starring in them himself, which, in tandem with the consciously self-deprecating humor, forms a deadly duo that really ticks me off. I guess my problem with THE CURSE OF THE JADE SCORPION has to do with these perennial issues.

The lusciously shot film is a nostalgic return to the glory days of the classic film noir. I have not seen a color noir, but the cinematography of JADE SCORPION approaches what I would think a color noir should look like. Great camera work, faultless lighting --- with one possible exception: the night shot from within the safe made Helen Hunt look like a haggard octogenerian --- and generally upbeat musical score, all features of a classic whodunit. With several broads to brighten the scenery, and an exotic twist to the plot, the film could have been a winner. Certainly the ingenuity of the script could have made it so. Even though I can think of several obvious laughs that Allen missed, he generally hit the right notes at the right time. That is, unless one means his own character, in which case he was his usual self.

I mean this in a bad way. Not only did Helen Hunt out-mouth him, but she out-acted him, out-smarted him, and out-appealed him. In other words, she made the film. Yeah, their banter was amusing, but it was because of her machine-gun delivery style which massacred the poor Allen with no quarter. The little detective could only fumble for words, repeat her sentences, and stutter helplessly. Maybe he did feel threatened by her, maybe he did like her from the start, I don't know, nor do I care. I must say that I found his inept self-effacing joking very annoying and it made me want to slap him several times (not in the way Charlize Theron supposedly wanted to).

Barring the incredibly stupid ending, the movie was sort of fun to watch, but there was no uproarious laughter in the audience. Oddly enough, I was the solitary member of said audience, which goes to show how much appeal these throwback movies hold today. Since we know the plot, there's nothing rivetting in the action, where the only question is "how, the heck, is he going to get out of this mess?" Unfortunately, this leaves several other questions hanging, like "If he's so damn good, why did he leave so many clues?" or "Why did Helen Hunt wake up not under hypnosis?" or "What do we care if he does get off?" Quite disappointingly, Allen resolves the puzzle in a very uninspired manner by having two friends stumble across the answer.

And I thought that the great line in the beginning, where Allen says that it would be something to have him chasing himself, was going to be the leitmotif for the film. It would have been far more engaging to see whether the famed investigator can uncover the identity of the thief. It would have been even funnier to have him slowly realize he is chasing himself. Well, the film does not do it, to its own detriment.

Bottom line. If you are a Woody Allen fan, then you are weird. I think this film would have benefitted immensely if someone else played the lead role. There are some laughs but the characters try too hard, and sometimes their lines appear bland and contrived. Sometimes they (the lines) are just too long. Also, I could never tell what Helen Hunt would find in Woody Allen, much less in Dan Aykroyd. In any case, JADE SCORPION is a little distraction that one might find mildly entertaining if one has had one too many episodes of HAPPY DAYS.

September 5, 2001.