Knives of the Avenger
(I Coltelli del vendicatore, 1966)

Mario Bava

Italy

84 min, color, English (dub)

Review © 2006 Branislav L. Slantchev

Bava is not widely known as the purveyor of fine Viking epics, and this rare entry in the much ridiculed Sword & Sandal genre is as good an explanation as any. Although Bava came late to the production, the film bears the unmistakable signs of the director's assured manhandling of the dull material: superior compositions and moody atmosphere almost make up for the unbelievably atrocious acting, the lukewarm script, and the decidedly sparse decor.

Too cheap for three witches	We don't need to stinking costumes!

The opening scene is suitably ominous and quite promising actually: an old hag scratches magic runes in the sand and prophesies good fortune (after initial death and destruction, that is) to a pretty lady and a young boy. The lady is the Viking Queen Karin (Elissa Pichelli, credited as Lisa Wagner) whose husband is off on a faraway trading mission (that's Viking for rape and pillage). His boat has gone missing with nary an S.O.S., and the deadbeat is either whoring in France, skiing in Greenland, or knocking monks' heads along the coast of the British isles. What matters is that he's gone and his throne is in some jeopardy.

Mitchell sporting a Viking-Mohawk hybrid	Even Xena props look more authentic

Said jeopardy wears funny furs and answers to the very Vikingly name of Hagen (Fausto Tozzi). This guy is one bad mutafucka: when he is not scheming to ravish Karin and murder her son, he is chopping heads of the kingdom's various allies just to make sure war goes on, and when he is not pawing a random wench in a bar, he eats kittens. Between turning other cuddly animals into cheap socks. In other words, he's really bad. Also has bad teeth. And bad breath. And bad fashion sense. Clearly beyond redemption. Anyway, he's been exiled along with a bunch of his goons who look like an awkward cross between an invading Mongol horde and rejects from a set of Xena: The Warrior Princess. So they are back and they are going to make the village take them back or, failing that, destroy the village. This elaborate plot (well, elaborate for a Viking anyway) is apparently easy on the back since most of the action consists in sipping ale at a tavern.

The mother, the son, and the rapist	Scandinavian victim of rapine and mayhem

Things pick up when Rurik (Cameron Mitchell) shows up in what looks like an art major's idea of a Greek costume that would be worn by a medieval knight in another time dimension. But it does have lots of leather. Soon, Rurik rescues the damsel Karin and promptly falls in love with her without realizing that she's married. Thankfully, she quickly remedies that and the passion flare-up dies like fireworks doused with cold water. Rurik tries to weasel his way into her graces by befriending the son Moki (Luciano Pollentin), who is just as annoying as his name suggests.

Gratuitous shot of Elissa Pichelli	Historically-accurate Viking garb

Thankfully, this occasions a rare flash of brilliance that will not be seen any time soon in an American film. I am talking about the unPC scene where Rurik teaches Moki to throw knives. One of them flies into the house, right past Karin's head actually, and she shouts "Why don't you teach him something useful? Or help me cut the meat instead?" (Latter is no codeword, by the way, like "let's have coffee" or "why don't you come see my engravings?" It is about cutting meat.) Rurik acidly observes that the man's proper place is out, throwing knives, while the woman's place is in, working. Karin turns away with an agreeing smile which says "yes, here's a real man and I want him." Warmed my heart.

And now we set the trap to catch a script-writer	Inevitably avoidable

The rest of the plot follows a convoluted and unbelievable story, which reveals that the lovable Rurik is actually a murderous rapist. Well, used to be one. Now, he's a recovering murderous rapist who has found Odin's son seeing that Christian missionaries have not made it yet to Scandinavia. Since this uncivilized place has no registry for convicted sex offenders, he manages to insinuate himself into unsuspecting neighborhoods. Even worse, in his murky past as a vengeful king (it is his family that Hagen shortened by about one head's length), he had raped Karin. (She does not recognize him because he wore a mask. He does not recognize her... no idea why.) Even worse than the worse, Moki is quite probably his son.

It's good to be bad	A Western bar confrontation in Sweden

Just as the idyll is turning into a promising study of weirdness (after all, it's blatantly obvious that Karin is using all her resolve to remain faithful as she is falling harder and deeper for her rapist), things get back to "a day in the life of a Viking" as rapine and murder erupt. Well, mostly murder. Mostly by Rurik. Of Hagen's henchmen in an attempt to get back to Hagen and impale him on the eponymous "knives of the avenger." Maybe I should mention that Rurik carries an renewable supply of these blades seeing that he threw somewhere around 1,634 of them without ever recovering a single one or appearing to be burdened by the weight. Neat trick actually. But then it all goes downhill when King Harald (Giacomo Rossi-Stuart) returns from his long voyage, recognizes Rurik, fails to beat him even though the latter refuses to fight back, and generally displays amazing lack of competence, which should not have been surprising for a guy who went out for cigarettes and took three years to find his way back.

Fight choreography by William Shatner	Have swords, will wade in fog

Make no mistake, this is a cheap film with maybe five extras and pathetic props. The acting is amateurish at best, and the chemistry between actors is sweetened with "all natural flavors." The only redeeming actress here was the stunning Elissa who managed to portray a queen torn between shacking up with a stranger and remaining faithful to a possibly dead husband with enough panache to stop a horde of pillaging Vikings dead in their tracks. The fight scenes were orchestrated by a member of the Society to Prevent Injuries to Stuntmen and were about as violent as a two-year old girl brushing a Barbie doll's hair. (And this is in spite of the somewhat inspired decision to make the duels look like Westerns, complete with a stand-off, the wait, the gaze, and the lightning snatching of the weapon.) This film makes Conan look like a historically correct anthropological study of the early medieval world, and Red Sonja look like the height of artistic rendition of tender passion in a world torn by brutality.

Incompetent Viking rescue mission	Would ride into sunset at low tide only

The DVD by Image Entertainment presents the film in its 2.35:1 OAR and is anamorphically enhanced. The picture looks surprisingly good for such a low-budget film and preserves the Bavaesque color scheme that, along with the compositions, is the only thing that lifts the film from otherwise well-deserved oblivion. There are two soundtracks, English and Italian, both Dolby mono. Oddly, there are no English subtitles, so most of us will be stuck with the English dub. It sounded fine except perhaps a bit muffled compared to the Italian. The extras are minimal: director bio/filmography, a trailer, an image gallery, and liner notes by Tim Lucas. Decent but not enough to justify a $24.99 price tag. I would Netflix this first if I were you (which is what I did and I do not indent to buy the disc).

July 7, 2006